what brings you here?

It took me 30-something years to get into therapy. Life’s really hard, that’s what I told myself all this time when I felt things weren’t right. Until one day, on a Friday night, lying on my comfortable couch, which even has the shape of my body on it, full of plans for the weekend, but still not well, with no reason apparently, I did something that hadn’t even crossed my mind for a while: I scheduled my first therapy session.

A few days later, with the question “what brings you here?” was how it started. I really wanted to know what had brought me there. Finally got me there. Gosh, that was the answer I was looking for. And I had no fucking idea.

There was nothing particularly wrong or bad in my life. I was fine. Health, okay. Relationship, okay. Friends, okay. Work, okay. So why did it all seem so out of place? So not enough? Why did I get up from that warm, comfortable beige couch and find myself in a room with hardwood floors, weird paintings and full of plants? What made that couch suddenly so uncomfortable?

I cried. Not knowing what to say, I sob. I’ve always found those tissues boxes such a movie cliché. But there I was, wiping the tears and mascara from my face. Not a tearproof mascara have to say. I already knew I was going to end up crying at some point, I’m one of those people who cries out of nervousness, much more than I cry out of sadness. Even though I was pretty sad too.

In my first therapy session I went there looking for answers. After 60 minutes — maybe even a little longer, I confess that I thought I would experience that “our time is up” scene, but the dramatic expectations that Hollywood created in me were not fulfilled, and with those extra minutes, I understood that this was going to be a long process of asking questions, finding more questions, and some extra questions.

It’s funny, writing here, I now realize that I found outa lot of answers in my first therapy session. That questioning yourself and not knowing what it is, what you want, and making mistakes and trying again is okay. Life’s really hard indeed! I was right, but it’s okay to try to make it a little bit easier or at least less difficult.

I'm Dani. I have 36 yo and I live in Brazil. This text and others that I will post here will be to share my personal experience with therapy. If you need help, talk to someone you trust and look for a professional. I'm here for you. You can be fine!